Cleaned & corrected by Tronar
Previously on "Sports Night"...
Tomorrow night, you are going to go out
to the Meadowlands and do a pre-interview.
Since when do we do pre-interviews?
Since we booked Chris Patrick.
Somebody witnessed Christian Patrick
in an otherwise empty locker room exposing himself to a woman.
- What happened to your wrist? - What?
Natalie will deny reports that she was sexually assaulted in an empty locker room,
and I'm including league security as well as press inquiries.
Private conversations in the corridor,
secret meetings in Isaac's office,
"We'll have a car take you home"?
I'm already out of the loop.
You touch her again, I'm gonna have you killed.
But tomorrow, the sky's gonna fall down on both of us.
I'm going over to the 23rd precinct,
and I'm swearing out a warrant for your arrest.
We're back on Dan in 5... 4...
3...2... 1.
Next up, Steve Denton looks for a new gig,
the Hawks defend a streak,
and we answer the question,
"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
You're watching "Sports Night" on CSC,
so come on back.
- We're out. - 2 1/2 minutes back.
Okay. I don't think there's any way I could be colder.
- What if you were wet? - I'd be very cold.
But as cold as I'd be under that circumstance,
I still don't think there'd be any discernable difference
between how cold I'd be then and how cold I am now.
That's how cold I am now.
- So... you're cold. - I'm pretty cold.
We're taking care of it.
And if it's possible,
I'd like to look just a little bit more like Elmer Fudd.
Natalie, do you have the S.O.T. on Michigan State?
- I'm sorry? - Michigan State?
I've got it.
I need it.
- It was right here. - Where?
- Here. - It's cool.
- Don't panic. - I'm not losing my mind. Don't tell me not to panic.
- Natalie... - I just had it.
- Where? - Here.
Dan, heads up... I may have a change.
There's not gonna be a change. It was right here.
- We may not have the S.O.T. for Michigan State. - We'll have it.
Natalie's right. If this is professional television,
surely there's some kind of strict procedure that's followed
- when something like this happens. - Absolutely.
- What is it? - Well, first, everyone, stand up
- and see if you're sitting on it. - 2 minutes back.
- I'll find it. - I'll help her look.
- Uh, don't worry about it. - Dana...
Jeremy, she's not gonna find it. Don't worry about it.
- 90 seconds back. - Did you get any sleep last night?
I don't remember.
So, I have a complaint... two complaints actually.
You're cold?
- Three complaints. - What are the first two?
- I haven't put these in any order. - Okay.
I haven't numbered them. I'm not conversationally anal-retentive the way you are.
- I'm conversationally anal-retentive? - Yes, indeed.
Then what are your other two complaints?
If I did number them, certainly high on the list
would be the climate in this room.
Yeah, I think your position's pretty clear on that.
- 60 seconds back. - Well, what are the other two?
- You're too hard on Rostenkowski. - Oh, please.
- You are. - Am not.
You've been riding him all week.
Dan, he made a bonehead move on fourth down with the game on the line.
It's not the first time he's made a bonehead move.
I'm a commentator, I'm a pundit, I am doing my job.
- You're a pundit? - I'm a pundit.
Your parents must be very proud.
- They are. - 30 seconds.
- What's your second complaint? - The sound effects.
- Oh, again with the sound effects. - All through the Rostenkowski piece...
"Clank! Wah wanh!"
What's with that?
I am bringing my point into stark relief.
With Casio keyboard sound effects.
We have very talented sound editors, right, Chris?
Thank you.
Will?
It's what I do.
You see? It's what Will does.
Suit yourself.
Danny, he should not be the head coach
of a major college football team.
Yeah, but he is, and you know what that job's like, so I'm just saying...
- I can't find it. - It's okay.
- I'm sorry. - It's not a problem.
It is a problem, Dana. This isn't something...
Natalie, it's not a problem. We've got promos we can use to fill.
Yeah, guys, we're blowing off 80, 81, and 82.
I've got promo fillers, so ride us out on the box set.
I'm sorry, everybody.
- It's all right. Don't worry about it. Hey, Dana... - That's cool.
Danny has some complaints...
- Three complaints. - In no particular order.
Want to hear?
Danny, you look like Elmer Fudd.
Okay, four complaints.
Dan, I spoke to building maintenance
about the air conditioning.
They're sending someone out.
- The air conditioning? - Yeah.
That's good, um, but the problem
we're having in the studio is with the heat.
Damn it.
- Don't worry about it. - Yes. Right. Right. No problem.
Nat? You want to sit down for a sec, shoot the breeze?
I can't shoot the breeze right now, Dan.
I have to do my job.
Or do you think it's just safer for everybody if I don't do anything?
No, I was just...
My two anchors are gonna die of hypothermia on the air,
but that's okay, no problem,
'cause Natalie's a little distracted.
I'm not distracted, guys. I can do my job.
- We know. - I've gotta go get the air conditioning fixed.
- The heat. - Yes. I know that. Thank you.
Also, if you see Casey,
tell him to lighten up on Rostenkowski.
Oh, look, you're here.
Yeah.
Lighten up on Rostenkowski.
I stand by my position.
I do it proudly, I do it vigorously,
and I do it for the following three reasons...
Here come the table of contents.
- I like to organize my thoughts. - We know.
Why are you looking at a dictionary?
I don't think "pundit" means what you think it means.
- You're not gonna let go of this. - You're not gonna let go of this.
Excuse me, but wasn't I sitting next to you for two weeks when you said
that Latrell Sprewell shouldn't be allowed to play professional basketball again?
Look, I know it's your alma mater,
and I know you take that seriously ...and I think that's great...
but Rostenkowski blew a fourth-down call in a college football game.
Latrell Sprewell tried to strangle his coach.
Is this one of those days when you have a hard time making the distinction?
We were this close to beating Miami... this close.
Do you know how many times we've beaten Miami?
- You've never beaten Miami. - We've never beaten Miami.
Now, who am I supposed to see about that?
A therapist?
And what was the upshot of the budget meeting?
We're gonna have to find a way to cut $17 million.
Excuse me.
- Come on in. - I found it.
- You found it? - I found it.
I knew if I looked hard enough, I'd find it, and I found it.
What did you find?
- A death threat. - To Natalie?
Yes. Anytime you've got a thousand people sending letters and making phone calls,
it's a pretty good bet that at least one of them's gonna be out of his mind.
Jeremy, is this why you haven't been sleeping at night?
- I don't need much sleep. - I don't want you obsessing about this.
- It's not an obsession. - You look like you haven't slept in a week.
- I'm fine. - 'Cause, you know, network security's
working with the FBI, and they pretty much have the bases covered.
Well, they don't have the bases covered,
because I intercepted this e-mail this morning.
You shouldn't be reading Natalie's e-mail.
It was the only way I could make sure
that Natalie doesn't read Natalie's e-mail.
I'm surprised she gave you her password.
She won't even give it to me.
She didn't give it to me. I figured it out.
- You figured it out? - Sure.
You figured out her password?
I thought, you know, how many 6-letter words could there be?
Um, 5,000.
14,200 and change.
But I got it on the 38th try.
You gotta go to sleep right now.
- "Dear slut..." - Don't read it.
"You should never have been in that locker room
"where men have just played the game of football.
"You deserve what Christian Patrick gave you and more.
"And now a great football player with a pashion and love for the game"...
"passion" with the less common "s-h" spelling...
"has come under a cloud of speculation that's only serving
"to distract a team from its quest to win the Super Bowl.
I hope you get killed."
- We've seen the letter. - You've seen the letter?
- It came yesterday. Natalie gave it to the police. - Natalie has seen it?
- Of course. - I don't want her seeing this stuff!
- No, I don't want her seeing it! - Jeremy... listen, do me a favor.
Go wait for me in the conference room. I want to talk to you.
- I need to be doing something. - You will be.
- Go wait in the conference room. - Listen...
You're overtired. This is sleep deprivation.
Go to the conference room and wait for me there.
I'm sorry I raised my voice.
We shouldn't worry, right?
A reporter goes into a locker room,
has a run-in with an athlete,
the reporter becomes the story.
That happens, right?
In my experience?
About twice a year over the last 40 years.
Right.
So why does this feel different?
Because it's happening to us.
Right.
Okay, the budget.
"Dear Casey McCall,
"lately, I think you and me are the only ones who know anything about football.
"Rostenkowski should be run out of town on a rail,
and you're just the man to do it."
Eh, I say you're man enough for 10 men.
"Casey, Rostenkowski is a fraud, a bum,
"and a doddering old man.
"Me and my friends are totally with you.
Keep up the good work."
They tell me I'm all over the radio in the Great Lakes region.
- Have you ever been to the Great Lakes? - Yeah, four of them.
- How are they? - They're great.
"You're my favorite sports anchor ever.
"I never used to like sports, but you've so gotten me into it.
"Maybe because you're totally hot.
Look me up... Tracy Devereux, Baton Rouge, Louisiana."
- You made that up. - What's that say?
- It's addressed to Dan. - Yeah, well, the point is I'm leading a groundswell.
- Casey... - I'm leading a groundswell.
That's really nice for you.
Listen, do me a favor... double-check any items
you're getting in from Natalie.
If anything's wrong, fix it yourself.
The distractions are starting to get to her.
Oh, yeah. She's been screwing up pretty good lately.
Yeah, not like when you were going through the divorce.
I did my job with a plum.
I remember some days you could barely find the building.
Well, that's true.
- You'll watch her back? - I always do.
I know.
Good.
I need to get in there.
- You look nice today. - Good.
Uh, uh, uh, uh... no, no, no.
I said you look nice. That's your cue to say thank you.
Thank you.
Why do you look nice?
Because I am nice.
- You can say it, Dana. - I don't want to say it.
- You do want to say it. - I don't want to say it, and you don't want me to say it.
I do want you to say it, and then I want you to see
how much I don't care when you do.
- What's in it for me? - Nothing.
I am dressed this way
because I'm having dinner with Gordon after the show.
I'm having dinner with Gordon, and I'm dressed this way
because it's been my experience
that when I do, Gordon becomes quite amorous,
and it's my hope that Gordon act on his impulses this evening,
quench his desire, and in so doing...
quench mine.
You happy?
That's all I wanted.
- Good. - There is no reason for you to be secretive.
- Fine. - I am not jealous of you and Gordon.
- Can I get in the conference room? - Sure.
- Kim... - Yep?
Make a note...
I need to ruin Dana's dinner with Gordon.
You know, Jeremy...
Don Quixote was a hero of my father's, and my father would like you.
You're a very Quixotic character.
- Thank you. - However, my father would also say you're a fool.
That's entirely possible, but in own defense, so was Don Quixote.
- You like Natalie, don't you? - Me?
- Yes. - Of course I like her.
No, that's not what I mean, Jeremy.
I mean, you like Natalie, don't you?
- Me? - Yes.
What was the question?
- It's okay. - I haven't...
It's okay. I'm sure your love has been pure and chaste from afar.
- It really has been. - I'll let you in on a secret.
I think Natalie likes you as well.
- I think so, too. - Yes.
- I've been getting that feeling. - Good.
I've had this sense. It's a faint, subtle thing...
She's been throwing herself at you.
- See, I didn't get that. - Trust me.
So, you know what I think you should do?
- What? - Nothing.
- Nothing? - Nothing.
- Isn't that what I'm doing now? - No.
Natalie's life has been turned upside down.
She doesn't know whether she's coming or going.
People harass her and take her pictures.
The reporters calling, the mail...
She's frightened and confused.
And I know you're frightened, too,
or you wouldn't be staying up all night
plugging 6-letter words into a computer.
I'm not a big man, Dana.
I can't beat people up, and I don't carry a gun.
I'm a research analyst with a degree in Applied Mathematics,
so this is what I do.
And that's cool, but that's not what she needs.
What does she need?
A quiet dinner... just a quiet dinner
in a safe place with someone she likes.
Who?
- Me, right. - Jeremy... yes.
- I can do that. - Good.
- I can definitely do that. - Excellent.
- Now I need you to do something else. - Sure.
Go into my office, close the door,
lie down on the couch, and take a nap.
- I can't. - You can try.
- No, I can't sleep. - You can try for a few hours.
These letters aren't gonna stop coming
just because I take her out to dinner.
I know.
I'll try and sleep.
- 14,200? - And change.
"Very Quixotic," my father would say about you.
Hey, you know what Danny said to me last night?
What'd you say to him last night?
I told him he was conversationally anal-retentive.
- Yeah, you are. - I am not.
- You are, too. - You guys need me for this fight?
- No. - No, we're fine.
How am I conversationally anal-retentive?
Let me answer that question in four parts
with the fourth part first and the third part last.
- The second part has five syllables. - All right, all right, all right.
Hey, did you talk to the sound guys
about the Rostenkowski effects for tonight?
- The crash-and-burn sound? Yeah. - Yeah.
- And? - They said they don't have it.
- They don't have the crash-and-burn sound? - They don't have it.
Well, did you make the sound for them?
Yes. Hey, Elliott, who's the leading scorer in the Portland game?
- McManus. - Okay.
You made the sound for them, and they didn't have it?
- That's right. - Uh-huh.
Kim, where are we on Sergei Fedorov?
- When did you need that? - Now.
Urrr! Pukkkk!
- That sound? - Yeah.
- Really? - Yes.
Make the sound that you made.
- Casey, I made the sound. - Make it.
Urr! Ksss!
- Ah... - What?
That's not the sound.
That's the sound.
Chris... Will...
Be with me now.
Urrr! Pukkkk!
Crash and burn.
- Can you do it? - Got it.
Excuse me. Danny?
- Jeremy. - Am I interrupting?
- I thought you were asleep. - Huh?
Dana said you were asleep in her office.
No, I've been, uh, running some stats through a program.
I'm trying to chose an appropriate restaurant.
Listen to me, seriously. You gotta get some sleep.
I once stayed up 72 hours straight studying for a Biochem midterm.
- You know what happened next? - No.
Me neither, man,
'cause I passed out in my girlfriend's dorm room.
I didn't wake up until, like, graduation.
- How'd you do on the midterm? - I aced it, but that's not the point.
- What's the point? - You're running stats on restaurants?
I want to take Natalie to dinner, and I want to do it right.
I wrote some software that helps me factor in menu, ambiance, location,
any number of elements that can be translated into binomial functions.
It's based on the fourth generation of L7 software
that runs with the old Omni applications.
It doesn't allow for trends, and it's not as fast as I'd like it to be,
- but it's... - Hang on, hang on, hang on. Time out.
Let me just get this straight here. I'm sorry.
You designed some software?
- Just an application. - Jeremy...
See, Dana seems to think that I could help Natalie out if I take her to dinner.
- Dan, this may be my only chance with Natalie. - Listen up. Listen up.
- You know what she likes, and you know all the hot places in the city. - Jeremy...
- Please, help me pick a restaurant... - Jeremy, listen up!
Okay.
You need to go to sleep.
It's dangerous...
Really.
Okay.
Make it someplace that you like.
Restaurants... they don't impress women as much as we think they do,
and food always tastes good on the first date.
You're not in Vegas, and you're not in L.A.
You are in the most magnificent city in the world.
It's the city of Gershwin and Cole Porter,
Damon Runyon and Fiorello La Guardia.
Surprise her, but make her feel comfortable.
Make it different, but make her feel at home.
But mostly...
make it someplace that you like.
Where is that restaurant?
I'll let you know when I find it.
Dan, we need you in makeup.
Three minutes to air. We're three minutes out.
Hey, Casey.
Hey, Gordon. What's happening?
Oh, boy, this place really hops at showtime, huh?
It's like a real television show.
- Yeah, we got cameras and everything. - Wow.
Honey, I gotta go check on some things.
You don't have to talk to Casey if you don't want to,
and if he says anything you don't like,
you should feel free to take a swing at him.
Feisty girl.
Yeah, she's a pip.
Oh, I gotta tell you, when she wears that outfit...
I heard.
Oh, by the way, for what it's worth,
I'm right with you on this Rostenkowski thing.
- Thank you. - It was a terrible call.
- Lost the game. - I don't know how he makes that call.
Any idiot knows you hand it to Jermaine, you send him up the middle.
Yeah... well, you're not gonna go up the middle
against an 8-man front, but still...
Oh, still, maybe you run a play-action fake,
you toss it off to the tight end out in the flat.
The problem with that is that without establishing a running game first,
- no one's gonna bite down on the play fake. - Oh, but still.
Still...
A post pattern, a slant...
He'd be going against a defensive back
who was second-team All-American as a true freshman.
- What would you have called? - Me?
Yeah.
The thing is, I haven't watched film all week.
I haven't seen scouting reports.
I don't have an offensive coordinator talking in my ear.
I don't have 80,000 fans screaming in my face.
So it's easy for me... I don't have 10 million people
watching at home on TV, including a pack of rabid alumni.
I've had three days to think about it.
He had seven seconds.
So it's a lot easier for me to make that decision than it was for him.
But since you asked me what play I would have called, I'll tell you.
Now that I think about it, I have no idea.
- Gordon... - Huh?
Dana asked me to show you to the greenroom.
Oh, thanks. Casey.
Gordon.
Hey, Dana...
- Yeah? - Can you put in an alternate 44
and stretch the NBA rollout after the second C-break?
- I think so. Why? - I'm blowing off the Rostenkowski thing.
We're live in 60 seconds.
Roll VTR.
- I'm blowing off the Rostenkowski piece. - Attaboy.
- I gave in. - Yes!
I saw the light.
Good.
I rose above myself,
and I did it for the following three reasons...
We actually don't have time for this right now.
30 seconds.
Let's go. Have a good show, everybody.
...losing to fourth-seated Monica Seles
in the second round.
Time for our weekly edition of "You Should Know."
Daniel...
You know, here at "Sports Night," we get a lot of mail.
Most of it goes something like this...
"Casey, Dan, you two obviously know a lot about sports,
"but what can you tell us
about legendary Italian song stylist Tony Orlando?"
Well...
You should know!
You should know that Tony Orlando is not Italian,
and if you guessed that the man was of Latin descent,
you'd be incorrect as well.
Mr. Tony Orlando hails from Greece,
we thought you should know that.
That just about does it for tonight's show. It's a holiday weekend,
so if you're driving out to the stadium tomorrow,
please, please remember to take your car.
Good night, everybody.
Good night.
We're out.
What the hell was that?
Shh, shh, quiet.
That was supposed to be Troy Aikman.
There was nothing on the TelePrompTer.
So you ad-libbed Tony Orlando?
- It was all I could think of! - Tony Orlando?
Listen, I had Natalie write a new copy
to fill for the gap Casey left when he pulled the Rostenkowski thing.
The copy never made it on the Teleprompter.
We screwed up, and thanks for covering.
- Is Tony Orlando Greek? - How the hell do I know?
Well, you can't deny that Natalie's making things interesting around here.
- Not a word to Natalie. - All right!
That's enough. You guys are still miked, for crying out loud.
I can hear every word you're saying.
Hey, Natalie, it's not like that, really. We were just laughing at...
Me?
- Uh, Natalie... - Absolutely not.
Why not? Why aren't you laughing at me?
Why aren't you mad at me?
Dan, y-you just had to ad-lib a 30-second segment in the freezing cold,
and God knows what graphic I put on the screen.
Look, all I want is to get it right,
and when I don't, I expect to be treated like a professional.
I expect to be yelled at.
I want to be treated like the show is still important.
I want to be treated like my job is still important!
The show is important, and your job is important.
- Then why won't anybody yell at me? - 'Cause we like you.
'Cause you're one of us.
'Cause you're always there anytime one of us is in trouble.
- Like me. - Like me.
Like them.
- And you. - And you.
- When have I... - Oh...
It doesn't matter.
The point is, when someone's feeling helpless,
about the nicest gift you can give is to let them help you.
It's the gift of receiving as opposed to giving,
and that's a gift you're in a position to give right now.
Does that make sense?
- I couldn't follow it. - And was I talking to you?
- I'm going home. - Oh, Natalie, don't go home mad!
I'm not mad.
Oh, Natalie...
Hmm. He found it.
Jeremy...
- Wake up. - What?
Oh, God.
- Did you do this? - Oh, boy. I...
Did you do this?
Yeah.
Is this for me?
Don't look at Dan.
Is this for me?
Yeah.
And this was meant to be some kind of charity?
No, not charity.
I just wanted to do something.
Why?
I like you.
You look awfully tired, Jeremy.
When was the last time you slept?
I don't really remember.
Is that because of me?
Yeah.
Look, I'll clean this stuff up. It'll take a second.
Sit down.
Come on.
Lie down here.
Put your head here.
You guys have something better to do?
- No, not really. - I don't have anything to do.
- Oh. - Yes, I do. I have a...
I have that thing... that thing.
I'll see you in the morning.
Listen, he's gonna be asleep for a while,
and I wouldn't mind the company.
You want to have a drink with me?
Gee, yeah, I would,
but I've got Gordon waiting in the greenroom,
and we're going out to dinner.
I'll see you in the morning.
Natalie...
- Yeah? - You've been screwing up all week,
and it's gotta stop.
Get your act together and do it fast. Got it?
- Yes, ma'am. - Good.
Thanks.
You're welcome.